Topics that Matter with People Who Matter More – A 3 Part How-To for Everyone
Part 1: Why we can no longer talk to people who don’t share our views?
Part 2: Principles to live by – these will not just help you talk to people who think differently than you but can help with all of your professional and personal relationships
Part 3: Very practical and pragmatic actions you can take, individually or with someone with whom you wish to have a learning dialogue
How many times have you heard, “I can’t talk to my parent/child/sibling/other relative/friend (fill in the blank) anymore.”
Reasons we can no longer speak with one another.
- Tribalism and intolerance. It’s true, our inherent nature to be tribal has expanded well beyond sports, religion, race, age, and other “traditional factors.” The difference today is that whereas we’ve historically felt and enjoyed a bond with “people like us” or “people who support what I support”, our tolerance for others has decreased, seemingly beyond the point of no return. The more we identify with our political and social views, the more our ego feels threatened when someone challenges those views. The ego, whose purpose is to protect our survival, will defend and attack when it feels threatened. Don’t believe me? Just notice how quickly voices raise after two people with opposing political and/or social views begin to challenge the other person’s viewpoint.
- Polarized news outlets. We’re no longer getting our news from the same sources and we tend to select sources that support pre-existing views. We are, thus, receiving information in the way that others want us to receive it. In the same way individuals are over-identifying with their own views, so too are the news outlets who seek ratings and must generate revenues. So, even with the occasional spokesperson who tries to share opposing views or play devil’s advocate, there is a larger ecosystem that keeps tight boundaries and will not allow such “opposition” to get out of hand.
- Incentive misalignment. To take this point a bit further, social and mainstream media are driven by profits, not for the search of truth or to do public good. Don’t get me wrong. They may brand and even at times conduct themselves as seeking truth and/or doing public good, but as long as the company and its representatives are incentivized for profit, their work will never be purely in support of your best interest.
- Anger and hate sell more than peace and joy. We all say we want peace and joy but if peace and joy were more popular than anger and hate, we’d see our major news outlets, cable stations, and social media algorithms prioritizing stories of peace and joy over anger and hate. It’s easier to know and reinforce who we’re not than who we are. Obtaining a deeper understanding of who we are, as individuals and the collective “we” requires work, patience, and commitment. We can be more easily seduced by images and stories about people who we see as different than us, especially if it triggers a strong negative emotional reaction. Interestingly, I’ve noticed a significant increase in the number of people and companies in the West that have invested in meditation and other self-awareness practices in 2020 and 2021 than any in the previous thirty years I’ve been in practice. I think this isn’t just because the amount of stress and anxiety created by the global pandemic, but also because it has given us time to reflect and re-evaluate what’s truly important. And, despite the divisiveness that has ensued in response, the global pandemic did, albeit temporarily, bring together our humanity.
- Stress, capacity, and the path of least resistance. The human race has had to fight off and manage stressors since the beginning of time. But, in today’s information age, global economy, and technological advances, we have so much more demand for our attention than ever before. And, we haven’t yet as a society developed practices, structures, and consistent habits to effectively manage this. As such, we have little time, patience or energy for reflective, constructive dialogue that challenges are existing assumptions. We simply do not have the capacity to learn new ways of thinking, speaking, or behaving. Thus, we resort to the path of least resistance, which is the path we’ve already traveled and know so well. We stay stuck in what we know. We have stinted intellectual growth and development that has led to all the advances we enjoy today. We are literally and figuratively becoming dumber.
- Distractibility. I recently visited a friend and his wife. After a couple cocktails, I didn’t hesitate to affirm that his seven-year-old son had an attention deficit (I’d like to think that even under the influence I didn’t go as far as to “official diagnose” him as having a disorder). My friend’s subtle but noticeable reaction was like I punched him in the gut. So, I quickly followed it with, “Who isn’t attention deficit these days?” This wasn’t something I just came up with in the moment (as I tried walking back the painful moment), it was something I’ve been saying for the last two decades and believe strongly today more than ever. Publications like, “The Four Hour Workweek,” “The 10-Minute Millionaire,” and “Executive Summaries” are popular because people have more to do with less time (as demands on our time have exponentially increased due to several factors), and we have less patience for something that can’t be absorbed quickly. If you’re like me, you used to read books cover to cover and now get bored once you’ve learned what you deem there is to learn about the books message then stack it amongst the graveyard of books near your bed or favorite sofa of books you’ve bought and expect to finish one day but never do and never will.
- Changes in the way we communicate. We are spending less time having back and forth dialogue. Dialogue is a naturally creative process of discovery and trust. It’s hard to build trust when texts, email, and reactive social media posting are becoming our dominant form of communication, especially for younger Americans. According to a Gallup survey, even Americans over 65-years-old use phones and email as their dominant form of communication. John Locke, the author and biolinguist warned us of this over 20 years ago in his book, “Why We Don’t Talk to Each Other Anymore: The De-Voicing of Society.”
- The erosion of accountability. On one hand, businesses and business leaders are being held more accountable for their decisions and actions due to the variety of free and instantly global platforms employees and customers use to voice their opinions. However, in other areas we are becoming less accountable, which is not a way to support “our better angles.” Re-tweets and other’s posts can be shared instantly with a noncommittal, ‘This is weird, huh?” Sources of information are not easily identified or evaluated. Who has time for that? And, I don’t think it can be understated that local redistricting that allows leaders to pick their constituents rather than the public picking their leaders, is squeezing out healthy dissention – voters representing diverse views with varied interests are no longer needed for a politician to win re-election.
Dr. Jeff Kaplan is a business psychologist and executive coach who coaches executives and high potentials to lead with heart. Jeff helps leaders to work more collaboratively with others, recognizing that people are an organization’s greatest asset.